Dealing with Indian men who think foreign women are sluts

So the tough thing about being a solo female traveler in India is that some local men think we're quite promiscuous. That’s according to the 2009 Lonely Planet: “The skimpy clothing and culturally inappropriate behavior of a minority of foreign women appears to have had somewhat of a ripple effect on the perception of foreign women in general.” Of course we can’t say every Indian man thinks this way, but we can certainly say some do. What did this mean for me? A series of uncomfortable situations. (Not quite as uncomfortable as being sexually harassed by two little boys, though.)

Khan (a 1 on the 1-to-5 skeaziness scale)

This is my New Year’s Eve buddy, who saw me walking by myself on the street and opted to join me. Since it was New Year’s, I didn’t discourage him. Khan brought up the subject of casual sex and how attitudes toward it differ in India and the West. He mentioned that he’s 23 and a virgin, and wanted to know my history (I made up stuff). He did suggest a kiss at midnight, and when I said no he tried to kiss my hand, but I pulled away and made clear I was not up for anything. 

Agra shopkeeper (a 2)

I’d passed this shopkeeper several times, and each time he’d frantically gesture at me. Finally I didn’t feel like being mean, so when he mentioned postcards I entered his shop to take a look. I should’ve been tipped off by the fact he brought out Kama Sutra postcards along with the Taj Mahal ones. He eagerly asked where I’m from, etc., and then started talking about his plan to open a massage parlor. 

In broken English, he told me of plans to run a legit parlor, not one where men come in expecting sex. I responded that that’s the right thing to do. He then said something along the lines of, “Some people think it’s about sex, but not me, because I’m working. I’m working! I’m working! Not sex! Not sex!” He said something like this no fewer than four times, even though I didn’t once bring up sex and kept trying to talk about other things. Finally I said I had to leave and he asked if I wanted a massage. No. 

Jodhpur hotel worker (a 3)

When my bus dropped me off in Jodhpur at 4 am—five hours before Mehrangarh Fort opened—I ended up in a hotel’s rooftop restaurant, waiting for the sun to rise. A hotel worker came by to chat. We talked about where he’s from. Then he started talking about how he rarely gets to see his wife back in Pushkar, but when she visited they had a lot of fun. Then he said he has another girlfriend in Jodhpur. I smiled, but said something like, “That’s not really good for your wife, is it?” A bit he came back later, sheepishly saying, “I don’t have a wife or girlfriend, I don’t know why I told you that. I have no wife or girlfriend.” I said, “It’s OK, I really don’t care.”

This guy scored a 3 because he kept trying to get me to stay at the hotel. I made it very clear to him that I was only in Jodhpur to see the fort and then I was moving on the same day. But he came up again and again to say that I should spend the night, that he could give me a discounted room, that it would have hot water and a shower and I could be clean. He even mimed hot water. 

I smiled woodenly and repeatedly said, “It’s OK, thank you, I’m not staying.” We ran through this scene half a dozen times and I wondered why he thought if he asked again and again I would change my mind. Eventually more customers came up and he had to stop.

Mark, a guy in Delhi (a 4.5)
So I’ve joined a few expat websites. On one of the forums I noticed a post by a guy named Mark: “Hello Friends, I am new to Delhi and find myself pretty lost here. I would love to meet you wonderful people over coffee sometime very very soon as I really need to socialize and network. I would appreciate if you can spare some time out and catch up over coffee. ... I am a 27 year old male currently living in south Delhi.”

I responded that I was also new to town and would love to grab coffee. He quickly got back and we agreed on next week about 6 or 7. By 4 pm that day he was calling and texting, "Where r u?" I reminded him that I had to run an errand first. He asked if he could come along. No.

Then we met, and I was surprised to see he didn’t actually appear to be a foreigner. He said his mother is Indian, but that he bounced around between Singapore and the U.K. as a kid and grew up speaking British English, though he didn’t speak with a British accent. Ultimately, what makes me put him in the same category as the other men I’ve mentioned is our uncomfortable conversation.

Mark, who is studying Ayurvedic massage, quickly confirmed that I didn't have a husband or boyfriend. He mainly wanted to talk about dating in India and how people here are so conservative about sex, they won’t do it before marriage, it’s never casual, not like what we do in the West. I said carefully that that attitude really depended on the individual person. He mentioned how in Pahar Ganj (the travelers’ neighborhood where I stayed) Indian men approach foreigners all the time to try and score. I said that had not been my experience, that I was only loosely approached by one guy (Khan) and it wasn’t that extreme.

I tried to move off that topic, but Mark brought it up again—I really hadn’t been approached by any men who wanted something besides money? He said Indian men do it all the time. I said it must not work often. He said it must work if so many people do it. I said, again carefully, that if it worked, that depended on the specific person. I think Mark got the picture, though that didn’t stop him from suggesting that (1) we eventually meet up again (“Sure,” I said noncommittally), (2) we hang out on the weekend (“I’m busy on the weekends.” “All of them?” “Just about.”), and (3) we go to a disco sometime (“I hate discos.”). Obviously, I turned down his repeated offers to give me a free massage (“I don’t like massages.”).

At the coffee shop I thought, why do I keep finding myself in this situation?

Delhi rickshaw driver (a 3)
I caught an auto rickshaw at 1 a.m. to take what should have been a 10-minute drive. The driver got totally lost and I didn't get home until 2 a.m. I don't know what's worse, the fact he had no idea where to go, or that in the middle of it he asked, "Do you want to kiss me?"

His skeaziness score is only middling because, while asking someone for a kiss in the middle of the night when she has no idea where she is is not cool, he didn't press further when I said no. Thank goodness for small mercies.